I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

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I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.


A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.


I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.


HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging


Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.


Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.


This is the internet. Everybody tells the truth.


Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”


I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.


Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?