Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
ME: will it hurt?
DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?
ME: omg no!
DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
My mom told me that whenever I use an Uber I need to make sure it’s my ride and not a random car because I could get kidnapped. And I was like “I’m a fully grown man. No one wants to kidnap me.” And she had the most mom response: “Nonsense. Anyone would be lucky to kidnap you.”
Can I get pregnant from looking at a man in another car, at a red light but then quickly looking away when he looks over?
*uses ipad as a phone* Hey look at me i’m a hobbit
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.