@Prof_Hinkley

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

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@Adar79Angie

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

@MrAdamBez

A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

@Book_Krazy

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

@Darlainky

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

@GinAndJif

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

@tsm560

This is the internet. Everybody tells the truth.

@LizHackett

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

@SufficientCharm

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

@ThisOneSayz

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?