I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
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Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
If you鈥檙e pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I drew y鈥檃ll a little something.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
馃ぃ馃ぃ
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad鈥檚 masterpiece
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Why don鈥檛 Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what鈥檚 his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You鈥檙e always on that damn phone
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan