I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

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Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.


I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.


My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!


I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.


*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.


2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer


*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen


Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort


Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve


Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.


11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O