@Prof_Hinkley

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

You Might Also Like

@marknorm

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

@peterjames48

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

@PhilJamesson

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

@SteveSuckington

ME: will it hurt?

DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?

ME: omg no!

DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering

@DevilryFun

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

@BrandonEsWolf

My mom told me that whenever I use an Uber I need to make sure it’s my ride and not a random car because I could get kidnapped. And I was like “I’m a fully grown man. No one wants to kidnap me.” And she had the most mom response: “Nonsense. Anyone would be lucky to kidnap you.”

@buhsbaby_baby

Can I get pregnant from looking at a man in another car, at a red light but then quickly looking away when he looks over?

@Darlainky

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.