@Prof_Hinkley

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

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@thulnicolle

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

@MichaelTrying

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

@Lindsieeee

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

@bluebonetbabies

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

@houffy

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

@sdhintz

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

@MartaEffing

*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen

@SvnSxty

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

@LaetPO

Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.

@shanselman

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O