In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
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[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
‘What other miracles can you do?’
Jesus: I can varnish
‘You mean vanish?’
J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty
Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box
Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*