@SufficientCharm

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

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@shawnspree

In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.

@thatdutchperson

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

@chriscr10571

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

@TheHatStore

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

@mommajessiec

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

@jakefromstfarm3

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

@Audenary

‘What other miracles can you do?’

Jesus: I can varnish

‘You mean vanish?’

J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite

@KattsDogma

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

@smithsara79

Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty

Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box

Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*