i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
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HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.