@BourbonLuv

I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!

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@juliussharpe

Arthur Miller underratedly sucked at naming characters. “Biff”?? “Happy”?? Dude, take five more minutes.

@ThugRaccoons

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

@bingowings14

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

@MartaEffing

I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.

@hipchkk

I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso’s Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.

@eff_yeah_steph

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

@Darlainky

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

@AnnaKei26

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now