I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
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I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Posting this on behalf of a friend
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.