I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
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I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
BaD BoY!!
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Free him
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”