If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
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Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
The biggest mystery of our time
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours