I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans: