@juneohara65

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

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@aishaismad

American: COVID19 is super scary

European: Yes

American: Isn’t it crazy how expensive the test is?

European: What?

American: And that I have to go to work even if I’m sick?

European: Huh?

American: And don’t even get me started on quarantine co-pays

European: Co-what???

@junejuly12

“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”

Translated from “be with you shortly”

@BGH70

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

@philmann

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

@sucittaM

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

@sixfootcandy

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

@GlennyRodge

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

@chadchaines

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

@jimmytorosian

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you