American: COVID19 is super scary
American: Isn’t it crazy how expensive the test is?
American: And that I have to go to work even if I’m sick?
American: And don’t even get me started on quarantine co-pays
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
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“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”
Translated from “be with you shortly”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you