I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
You Might Also Like
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I want this so bad
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt