@ComedicBust: I was excited when my GF asked me to dress up as the cable guy, until I spent the next 3 hours on the roof, trying to fix the satellite dish
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@RoosterMustache: "Wow this pizza is amazing" Yes, well it's our specialty dough. We soak it in pickle juice. Dill pickle juice actually. It's a dilldough
@GrantTanaka: me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED son: [shrugs] me: U LOSE UR PHONE son: ok me: AND UR COMPUTER son: whatever me: AND...AND... son: [smirks] me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
@SirEviscerate: If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
@Book_Krazy: *Aquarium GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off...ma'am don't flash the octopus ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok