Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Hmm, not sure about this change
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Weirdly Wednesday.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.