I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall ‘for a good time’.

Then I recognized my hand writing.

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I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.


“Well that can’t be right.” – dogs watching us catching balls with our hands


THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable


Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.


Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.


When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult.

So yeah….kids are stupid.


I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off


Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…


Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.


i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down