@MrGeorgeWallace

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

You Might Also Like

@pixelatedboat

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

@TheAndrewNadeau

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

@3sunzzz

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

@ThatLibrary

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

@MissNaughty1801

*on the phone
Him: where are you?!
Me: I’m just waiting for the train
Him: hurry up
Me:…no problem. I’ll be waiting faster

@SteveKoehler22

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.