I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
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Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Do not levitate over flowers
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.