I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
You Might Also Like
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
even bears disappoint their mothers
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.