I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
sistine chapel
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon