I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
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[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
love it when they get my name right
“you recording!?”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
A leaf blower, but for people.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.