I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

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It’s so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren’t already inside their house.


1) Find short Irish guy
2) teach him to rap.
3) Become manager. Name him Leprechaunye West
4) wait for $ to roll in


[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.


we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot


A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.


Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes


I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably


I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.


All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun