Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3?
Me: Maybe you’re pregnant?
Wife: What’s wrong with you?
*damn you webMD, damn you.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Stuck between “that was awesome” and “OMG do you need medical attention” wherever I walk off the dance floor
Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign.
Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat-
“What about Leo?”
Steward: No. Leo dies.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet