I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

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Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno


Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3?

Me: Maybe you’re pregnant?

Wife: What’s wrong with you?

*damn you webMD, damn you.


[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio


I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.


Stuck between “that was awesome” and “OMG do you need medical attention” wherever I walk off the dance floor


Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign.
Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat-

“What about Leo?”

Steward: No. Leo dies.


My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.


Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.