@krisv_723

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

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@NurseKimaaa

It’s so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren’t already inside their house.

@TheDiLLon1

1) Find short Irish guy
2) teach him to rap.
3) Become manager. Name him Leprechaunye West
4) wait for $ to roll in

@Diversion50

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

@EJGomez

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

@TheAlexP

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

@Wakenbake77

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

@Weezie76

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

@mrsmith196645

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

@SnarkyMommy78

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun