I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
You Might Also Like
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Smells like a challenge to me