I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.