@DirtMcTurd

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

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@davidkenny100

Work meeting
Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!

Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me

@FilthyRichmond

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

@SlayerSays

You know what’s really great about being a narcissist? Me.

@imence2

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

@mewritesgood

I set my kid’s dollhouse on fire then asked:

DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?!
DOES BARBIE HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN?!
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!

Life lessons

@Avepates

Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.

@HatfieldAnne

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

@osoplain

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

@le_buns

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”