@DirtMcTurd: I was getting chased by a man yelling "STOP, POLICE!" & I yelled "YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY'RE OUT OF CONTROL!" But he kept chasing me
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@natedeschaine: How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if "Thomas the Tank Engine" was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive
@nyquills: God: you're man's best friend Dog: OMG! Love it! God: yup Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime! God: well.. Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together! God: you live in a kennel in the yard Dog: what
@NathanBgood: "Can't beat fresh apple pie" she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. "Wrong" I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
@ArfMeasures: AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway A.S: Yes ME: I'd be lost without u