Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!
Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
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Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
You know what’s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I set my kid’s dollhouse on fire then asked:
DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?!
DOES BARBIE HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN?!
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!
Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*
“how’s everything tasting folks”