I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
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DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving