I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
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[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
A male goth is called a broth.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.