Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me trying to reach for my goals
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough