I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
You Might Also Like
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
u guys got any snacks onboard here
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!