when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
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Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce