A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
I was going to get a tattoo but then I realized I’m 34 and I’m still not sure if I like tomatoes.
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You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving
She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
Just know that you’re never alone.
You have lice.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”