@theshamingofjay

I was going to get a tattoo but then I realized I’m 34 and I’m still not sure if I like tomatoes.

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@phxguy88

A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.

@Death_Buddy

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

@palokin

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

@BrainFumbles

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

@orange_rhymer

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

@dumbbeezie

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

@DavidAdt1

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

@chuuew

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

@michel_lesann

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”