i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
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I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.