i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

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*Opens fridge

*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.

*Eats chocolate bar

Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?


A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?


The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.




ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not


[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”


[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?


Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am


Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”