*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.
*Eats chocolate bar
Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
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A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.
But it was returned…
no strings attached.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”