Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
The word “methamphetamine” looks like it was written by somebody using it.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015