I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
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me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.