@lmwortho

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

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@PinkCamoTO

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

@heylauragao

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

@QwertyJones3

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

@skullmandible

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

@Eightinchgoat

The word “methamphetamine” looks like it was written by somebody using it.

@StaceyLynne_44

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

@robdelaney

“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”

@GrantTanaka

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind