@lmwortho

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

@thenatewolf

If you ever quit twitter, instead of writing something sanctimonious, write “About to go skydiving. Wish me luck!” and then never post again

@blondebombs

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

@alliejane_508

I once left a love note on the wrong car, so yeah, you should totally trust me with important paperwork.

@LeBearGirdle

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

@SexyKitty975

Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
Me: smart

@thedad

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

@TheMichaelRock

Me *wakes up from nap*

Wife: what are you doing up?

Me: was I not supposed to wake up?

Wife[nervous laugh] what?

@Sickayduh

My cat’s tongue is like a little piece of sandpaper. I’m scratched to hell but this floor is almost finished.