I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
guilty
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
This is my bus stop.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.