I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
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gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
They’re the worst 😩
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there