I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
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LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.