Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.