I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

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Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.


Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful


COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.


Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.


When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”


FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5


just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston


Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”


If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.