@simoncholland

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

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@bromanconsul

people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence

@ddsmidt

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

@MoistPork

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

@GaryJanetti

A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.

@TheMichaelRock

Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?

Me: Yeah, hold on.

*hands phone to 5yo*

Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.

@FredTaming

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

@Sean_Burgundy_

Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore