I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
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If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds