I’m not allowed to watch Hoarders anymore because people say “let it go” too often and then I can’t stop singing it, an autobiography.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
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Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
My wife: So… how are you?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“My bf and I were having dinner with my family and I asked for my daddy to pass the sriracha my bf and my dad both reached for it” – Harvard
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Have been an Arsenal fan for barely an hour and I’m already frustrated,how have they been coping for the past decade?😭
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.