I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
You Might Also Like
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I put the p in pants.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Mummies are just super modest zombies