@AngryRaccoon2

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’m not allowed to watch Hoarders anymore because people say “let it go” too often and then I can’t stop singing it, an autobiography.

@wildethingy

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

@newLettuce

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

@Brampersandon_

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

@collegefession

“My bf and I were having dinner with my family and I asked for my daddy to pass the sriracha my bf and my dad both reached for it” – Harvard

@Cheeseboy22

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

@Iffy_hazard

Have been an Arsenal fan for barely an hour and I’m already frustrated,how have they been coping for the past decade?😭

@nicfit75

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.