Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
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[God creating Raccoons]
GOD: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.
GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– are you excited?
screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Him: you’re terrifying
Me: awww you’re just saying that
[ during job interview ]
– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”
– “I give up, why?”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 🙁