I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
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Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?