I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
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I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
damn he’s good
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin