*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“I was gonna go and save the princess, but then I got high..” – Super Mario
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ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
STOP SENDING PEOPLE UNDER 35 THINGS TO PRINT AT HOME. WE DO NOT HAVE PRINTERS.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water