My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
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Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
So, can we agree on 4 or
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Based Erika
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*