@TheHistoryBook

“I was gonna go and save the princess, but then I got high..” – Super Mario

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@SortaBad

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

@jonnysun

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

@AuthorGaylord

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

@DonnyMartell

STOP SENDING PEOPLE UNDER 35 THINGS TO PRINT AT HOME. WE DO NOT HAVE PRINTERS.

@markedly

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

@IvoryGazelle

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

@sarcasticmommy4

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

@wolfmannjr

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

@TheBoydP

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

@meganamram

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water