Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
“I was gonna go and save the princess, but then I got high..” – Super Mario
You Might Also Like
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples