Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I was gonna go to a New Year’s Eve party, but the invite said “bring your significant other,” & I don’t feel like unhooking my TV.
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When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*