I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
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Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
What my back needs
A completely valid reaction tbh
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.