@AnkCoupleTO

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

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@mallelis

we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

@Parkerlawyer

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

@Skoogeth

[inventing the squirrel]

angel: rodent features and a bushy tail. anything else?

god: make em sneaky poopers

angel: wut?

god: when they poop. make sure like no one ever sees it.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”ChiefTwittler”;s:5:”image”;s:78:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2586395865/3cpu7zbdviimc9b8xavl_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”169693914905841664″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”669″;s:5:”tweet”;s:60:”My plan, if I ever go to prison: I’m faking a headache 24/7.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@thekwonk

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

@littlelady899

When someone says “Happy New Years” I wonder, how many years are they talking about?