I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?