I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.

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Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*


Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.


If you love something set it free.

*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*


[at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

“Sir, that’s a bench.”

Me: perfect.


God: then u become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yah lol the “rest”

C: how long


C:how long God


GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.


St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.


My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.


Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.