Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
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Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work