[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.
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It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
She truly is the world’s greatest athlete
[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball]
-Come on it was one time guys
*Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes