Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.
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Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
If you love something set it free.
*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*
[at the gym]
Me: what does this machine do?
“Sir, that’s a bench.”
God: then u become a butterfly
Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly
God: yah lol the “rest”
C: how long
C:how long God
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
#auspol #itson #qanda #art
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.