I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
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Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
can’t talk my ride’s here
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
😂🤣😂🤣
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome