I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
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-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf