No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it’s his turn
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.