I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
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Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
#growingpains
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud