When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door