I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.