I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!