I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

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I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it


You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.


Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”


honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary


Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.


“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.


The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.


“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine


You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.