I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
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Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?