I don’t understand bow ties. What, is your neck a gift?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don’t accidentally burn their eyes.
I went to school with asbestos…
*eating a ham all by myself*
ME [whispering to myself]: ham solo
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
People who say “life doesn’t come with a set of instructions” obviously haven’t heard of the Kama Sutra.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?