@TheCatWhisprer

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

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@LlamaInaTux

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

@ComeHome4Dinner

2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off.

Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.

@thedad

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

@iamspacegirl

You better watch out, you better not cry
You better not pout, I’m telling you why
Emotion signals weakness to your enemy
Be vigilant, my son

@1followernodad

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

@VaChina1

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

@softzenik

me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018

@noogscorner

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

@RiotGrlErin

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.