I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

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[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu


2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off.

Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.


If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff


You better watch out, you better not cry
You better not pout, I’m telling you why
Emotion signals weakness to your enemy
Be vigilant, my son


The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.


Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight


me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018


Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.



Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.