I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.