A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
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Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair