I was in a 3rd grade talent show and told a few jokes. I quickly got escorted off the stage because I’m 30 and should be at work.

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Stick: *drowning in ocean

Dog: I’ve been training my whole life for this..


My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.


No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.


DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]


My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.


Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud


Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy


My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.


Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral


Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.