@TheReal_AndyMac

I was in a 3rd grade talent show and told a few jokes. I quickly got escorted off the stage because I’m 30 and should be at work.

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@ThaJawn

Stick: *drowning in ocean

Dog: I’ve been training my whole life for this..

@SnarkyMommy78

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

@TheAlexNevil

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

@Reverend_Scott

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

@WetzelGeek

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

@david8hughes

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

@SummerSongGirl

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

@HenpeckedHal

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

@bornmiserable

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

@envydatropic

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.