Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
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*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
reviewed some movies recently
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.