I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Worst bar ever.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Me trying to “trust the process”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.